It's My Birthday

 Today's my birthday.  I'm 52 and my life has never been more turned upside down than it is today.  It's 6:30am and I've tossed and turned all night.  You see, what comes with age is insomnia.  Especially me, miss ADHD, Neurodivergent, PTSD, OCD, TBI, shall I keep going?  You see, today at 52, I'm single.  Divorced.  Well, legally separated as of two days ago.  Happy Birthday to me.  What a bittersweet thing to endure and/or celebrate at an anniversary of your birth.  The birthing celebration does signify change, being born in to the world.  One year at a time, are we given an opportunity for change?  A day to start fresh and work towards your goals and things you only dream about?

Like having a successful business?  That I started from scratch and it's growing every month?  Yep, I did that.  It's been just over a year.  You know what else I did a year ago?  Left a toxic work environment that was only adding on to the years of abuse.  I didn't see my worth until I met someone that helped me see it.  Of course I've had girlfriends tell me I'm worth so much more, deserve so much more, why are you staying in an unhealthy marriage and job?  But a man who was once special in my life helped me see my worth.  Someone who had brain problems just like me.  He understood me.  He didn't find me annoying which just blew my mind.  I repeatedly asked him, are you certain I'm not bothering you?  My husband found me incredibly annoying and made me very aware of it.  I'm positive he found it all fascinating when he first met me, but then couldn't take my symptoms any more.

It's a shame, really, when you think about it.  Here I was, a survivor of molestation by numerous men, sexual assault survivor (so many I can't count), physical abuse, and worst yet, emotional abuse.  I'd say a good 15 years of it when I met my ex-husband.  I never really received proper treatment for it, and only got worse by participating in Alcoholics Anonymous.  We'll have to talk later on that one.  He had just kicked his wife out for cheating on him and he was broken hearted.  He spoke so much of what a good husband he was and how he was the victim. I'm laughing now that I realize this.  He used to tease me for picking boyfriends that were wounded birds.  Just like him.  Wow.  I guess I am pretty special and compassionate when it comes to men.  I'm a sucker for hearing how much better I am than their girlfriend or wife or ex.  You're so pretty.  You're so funny.  I like you.  Well.  Psh.  I guess they like me until they don't.  

There are so many behaviors and symptoms that I have that it's very hard to manage.  I've always been this way.  Very emotional, talkative, wild, obsessive.  But you know what happens to sweet little girls who cry a lot because they're frustrated with their day or the way their clothes felt on their skin or the way a girl looked at her that day?  Their parents and brother aren't equipped to handle it.  So they tease me, make fun of me, hurt me, say mean things, hurtful things.  Then a man comes along after my Dad left and gave me special attention.  I got to see him all the time when my mom was at work and my brother was at a sports practice I would only assume.  Sweet delicate little eight year old me who doesn't get the attention she needs, meets a potential dad that gives her all the attention she wants. And for being a good girl by dissociating and letting him and sometimes his friend have their fun time with me, I got special treats that I wasn't allowed to have.  Ice cream, donuts, toys, and my favorite, compliments of how good of a girl I am.  He just loved my freckles and you know what, I think I kind of liked the way he made me feel.

My now ex-husband said nice things to me.  Told me I was pretty.  That I was good in bed.  He liked taking me out to eat;  every day sometimes.  I must have gained 30 lbs in the first year. I ate all the foods I never allowed myself to have because I had to be thin.  He liked seeing me.  He tried to see me every day.  That.  That makes me feel special.  When someone wants me.  

But why?  Why do they want me? Did he love me?  Truly?  Or was it all just going along with whatever I wanted.  He's told me that so many times how hard it is to keep me happy.  I know.  It's a lot of work.  Huh.  This is my first monogamous relationship.  Ever.  I guess this is how things are supposed to go.  I'm used to my family treating me this way.  Didn't like it then but hey, that's life.  My friends mom used to tell me life is a shit sandwich and every day you have to take a bite.  So.  This is it.

You know what I like doing?  Helping people. I help people and in return they show appreciation.  That feels good.  I like receiving that since I never had it.  You want to start your own business?  I can definitely help you with that.  Oh wait.  You only want the help that you need.  Not my input.  OK.  It's weird though, ever since I started working at 15, I was told how smart I was, how amazing it was how quickly I figured things out.  I could learn and master anything.  I know this.  But OK.  So.  This is it.

Hey you want to have kids?  I've always wanted kids.  Hey can you help me with these kids?  It's too much for me.  Running your business perfectly, taking care of a baby and a toddler with a broken leg.  I'm doing it all and responsible for it all. Cleaning, laundry, cooking.  I can't.  Help. Oh.  I'm supposed to do it all so you can just work and make money.  That's my responsibility.  That was it.  That was the day.  

That is when I shut down.  I crawled so deep inside myself, so far because I was a failure.  I couldn't do it. I'm the worst mom ever because I can't do it all myself.  That's when I wanted to just die but I couldn't because I have these two beautiful babies.  My world.  I was told I needed to go to the doctor to get myself fixed.  Have someone else fix the problem.  Put them in daycare because you have to work twelve hour days seven days a week to provide for me and the girls.  Figure it out. 

2004.  I'm done.  I'm packing my bags and taking the girls to stay with my mom.  A month I tell him.  But guess who just went from one abusive relationship back to an old one?  Yep.  Gee, that sounds familiar.  So what do we do when we need to get out of an abusive situation?  Get professional help? Go to resources to help with domestic violence because his anger scares you?  No.  Go back to him.  I have no way of making money to live on my own with the girls.  Damnit.  How did this happen?  I was always independent.  I was never going to depend on a man.  Ever.  I was damn sure of it.  Fuck.  I'm stuck.

Let's move to Colorado to change our situation and have a better place to raise our daughters.  That'll fix it.  I secretly wish to leave when we get here.  My mom's moving here.  My brother.  Shit.  They both abused me.  Wait.  I'm stuck.  Help.  I can't get out of this.  I have nowhere to go, no one to feel safe with.  My own sister-in-law tries to set my husband up with her best friend.  You know what?  I think something was up. He flirted with everyone.  I think back to a time we were in the bathroom and he smelled like sex.  I'm weird.  I smell and sense things.  I somehow know the truth even when he's lying.  He says he masturbated today.  Wait?  On the job site?  Yes.  Um, that's unprofessional, but ok.

It's bad now.  Like really bad.  The fighting, the hatred, the blaming. The kids.  OMG the kids.  They're not OK.  Fuck.  I need help.  Therapy.  Get them in therapy so they can get help. I can't do this.  I know, he still has to work twelve hours a day six days a week.  Yes, I appreciate him taking one day off a week to work on all those projects around the house. I am grateful for the money he provides and the roof over our head. Make friends, he says.  Get help he says.  Call the doctor to get more meds he says.  OK.  But you know what, I'm going back to school.  I need a degree if I'm going to change my life.

2012.  We hate each other.  We're getting jobs.  Fuck this.  We're not going to run the business together anymore.  So hey, we need money, he wants to get away, he gets a job in the oilfields.  Takes off though.  I ask him, Hey, can you call the girls?  They miss you.  Oh, he doesn't have the time.  Well, I understand.  You know what, I kind of miss you.  You were fun.  Right?  We had amazing sex together.  Remember those days?  Yes.  Let's do that.  That'll fix it.  

2014.  This isn't going good.  I'm in a toxic work environment.  I have to stay there?  I'm not ok and I'm getting scared here now.  I don't feel safe.  You know what he says?  You can't keep any job.  You can't get along with anyone.  What is wrong with you?  I couldn't work with you.  You're so difficult.  I know, I say, you're right.  I am difficult to get along with and live with.  I get triggered by crunching sounds, I get upset with noises and lights and I know this really bothers him because he works hard and just wants to come home and relax.  I'm sorry.  You know what, I'm so sorry that I'm 100% sure that my family will be better off without me.  This is too hard.  I'm a failure. I'm so sorry girls, but you'll get a better mom that can take better care of you.  Please don't be sad, it will all be ok.

I learn a lot during my 72 hour hold.  I'm actually not that crazy as I'm continually made to feel.  Wow.  I have PTSD? Why? Depression, anxiety, wait bipolar? OK.  He tells me I'm moody.  OCD and ADHD?  I can relate to that.  Take all these medications, go to therapy, you'll be fine, he ways.  Oh wow.  There's a lot to uncover.  So many memories that were buried.  Wow, this is really really hard.  I'm not ok.  My girls aren't ok.  Help.  I need compassion and understanding.  I tell him, we miss you.  We need you.  Come back.  Please, I'm begging you.  We can't do this without you.  They need you. Oh.  You can't come back to live here full time?  We need the money? But. We don't.  Honestly.  We've lived off barely anything before.  This is really important to me.  Hear me.  Listen to me.  Please.

304 lbs.  I'm so unhappy.  Food is my only comfort and it's killing me. My girls need me.  I have to do something to change my life.  Girlfriend, do something.  Stand up for yourself.  Speak up.  I work my ass off to get weight loss surgery in 2018.  I feel so good about myself, making changes, becoming a better person.  I look pretty? Thank you.  You like to have sex with me now?  Me too.  This feels good.  Oh, wait though, let's not go back to the eating with me again.  I can't do that.  I know, my emotions and behaviors are a lot to deal with but I'm not supposed to eat like this.  I know it's comforting and keeps me quiet.  OK. I'm looking good and feeling good.  So what does he want to do, start having sex with other people.  Yep.  I said it.  Imagine all the sex he can get.  We're a good looking couple.  I oppose it though bringing up that my mental health and jealousy would be an issue.  Why am I jealous?  I don't know it at the time but it's because he didn't give me what he gives the other women.  Flirting, affection, touch, kisses, excitement.  

I tell him I'm not ready.  He pushes me to do it anyways.  I break down crying, so triggered, and freak the other couple out. How embarrassing.  I didn't make them happy.  I certainly didn't make him happy. He starts talking to her about it, against my wishes.  I am jealous.  I don't get that attention.  I don't get flirted with.  I ask him to stop and he refuses.  On to the next couple.  He starts sexting with her.  As a matter of fact, he sexts and skypes all the time up at work. Honey, I need you, your daughters need you.  We would appreciate the attention.  We like really really need it. Oh.  You don't have the time? I say. You're busy?  I'm denying you something you enjoy and you get angry.  I get intimidated. Scared.  This is normal, right.  It's just me.  Everyone else is okay with it all, it's just me. I understand.  

The funny thing is, when you start getting around other couples, they start to notice how he treats me.  Some become friends enough to ask if I'm ok.  Who me?  I'm supposed to be ok with it. You're ok with it, right?  Then we're ok.  Help.  I'm not ok.  I can't do this.  I'm hurting so much.  I'm disregarded.  He's always angry.  Then, sweet men starts showing me attention.  I'm pretty?  Thank you.  I'm good in bed?  Thank you.  I like you too.  My daughters are working and never home.  One of them moves out.  A sweet man wants to love me and treat me like I'm wanted and appreciated.  This is heaven.

The youngest moves out.  Covid hits.  I'm isolated and crying everyday.  My husband legit tells me to get this fixed with the doctor or he's not coming home.  Wow, this really hurts.  Is this how you treat someone you love?  I am not okay with this.  I want out.  I'm not kidding this time. He is not going to convince me to go along with what he wants to do, it hurts me.  I moved in to the guest room and even found a place to live but he convinced me to stay.  Marriage counseling and the promise of doing anger management.  If he promises to get better and make some changes, I'll give him one last chance.  One.

Weight Lifted Off My Shoulders

When I first found out that my uncle molested me, it was some what of a relief.  All these years I've been trying to numb the pain and the truth is finally revealed.  For the last twenty years, I've had a sneaking suspicion that has grown over time.  While in therapy, some images flashed in my mind.

 They were incredibly violent and disturbing. Every week the images and back-flashes increased and felt stronger.  It was time to confront the person whom I felt was responsible for the harm.

While it is true I endured many years of physical and mental abuse from my brother, I felt strongly that we had done something sexually inappropriate at least once.  After much discussion with my therapist, I decided to call my brother to at least discuss the violence.

I've tried to numb the pain since I was very young.  I suspect that is when the molesting began. I remember getting in trouble by my step-mother about eating too many Oreo's.  I quickly learned that food was a great comfort for when I was feeling sad or when any feelings emerged.
I feel like I want to call all my old friends from school and tell them why I was so messed up.  I already feel like I was a burden to them during those teen years and wouldn't want to impose more.

 I'm sure they're tired of me and don't want to listen to me go on and on about my problems as I always did.  Would they be happy to hear from me?  Should I reach out to one of them and see if they want to talk?

I feel like what my Mom allowed is unforgivable.  She may claim that she did not know about what was happening, but she let me go with him alone.  She should have known better to let a young girl go with the same man that molested her as a child.  What was she thinking? I would never let that happen!  We all protect our children that best we can and often don't know what is occurring outside the household.  I'll give her that.  But to let her own daughter go with a sick man is just inexcusable.

 Did she think that he was cured?  Did she not remember what had happened to her as a child and just didn't think anything of it?  Maybe that is a possibility.

FOOD

Ever feel like you just can't get enough food in your body? I sure do.  Like Katniss said in Hunger Games, every one has a hollow day. You know, a bottomless pit.   But my problem isn't due to starving at the moment.  Although, I am hungry ALL the time.  Not sure if it's medical or emotional or probably both.  

When I was young, I went long periods of time without food.  My brother and I were often left at home as young teens without food in the cupboards or in the fridge.  There were times when we resorted to eating the cat food.  Thankfully, we both had friends with caring families that took us in.  Will I ever get over the feeling that I have to eat and finish whatever is in the house?  Especially if it's sweets, which we NEVER had around in our house.  There is something engraved in my brain that tells me I won't see it again for a long time and to eat it all NOW.  Even if I've eaten so much that I feel incredibly uncomfortable and couldn't possibly fit one more bite in.  Once some of it digests and I have room, I'll go back to finish whatever it was.  It's like I have no control over it.

I've done some research about feeling hungry all the time.  There are two hormones involved:  Leptin and ghrelin.  Leptin is supposed to decrease your appetite and ghrelin increases appetite.  "Many obese people have built up a resistance to the appetite-suppressing effects of leptin," says obesity expert Mary Dallman, PhD, from University of California at San Francisco (WebMD). In turn, this hormone does not release the signal that tells your body you're full.  Working along with the other hormone, ghrelin, can send mixed signals if you're not eating the right types of food. Dieticians recommend eating complex carbs, eat protein, and eat higher volumes of low calorie foods such as salads and vegetables (Jillian Michaels).

Not intending this to be of any serious medical advice, I will move on.  Eating is a great way to feel comfort in my life for whatever ails me.  Food for me can act as a pain killer, anxiety medication, anti-depressant, and a cure for loneliness.  All in all it fills that empty hole I have in my heart.  Should I being filling that emptiness with other things?  Why, yes!  Am I learning new behaviors to meet these needs?  Yep!  Will it take some time to change my habits?  You better believe it.  For whatever reasons I've learned to emotionally eat, it will take patience to make positive changes.  

Some days are better than others.  Some days I'm able to make a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner; go on walks with the dogs; take long baths; make some piece of art; listen to music;  or read a favorite book.  But other days, like today, my mind yells pizza and cookies quite loudly so that I can't hear the positive ways out.  Tomorrow is a new day with a fresh start again.  Time to get back up, dust myself off, and be good to myself.  Good night!

Your Hunger Hormones; How they affect your appetite and your weight by Elaine Magee, MPH, RD, http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/your-hunger-hormones

5 Ways to Calm Hunger Pangshttp://www.jillianmichaels.com/fit/lose-weight/5-ways-to-calm-hunger-pangs